(I should probably warn you that this is not going to be a very uplifting blog so you can stop here, if you would like.)
I have a confession, well actually, I have lots of confessions. I do not like church, at least right now. I do not like going to church and sitting with a bunch of people who have it all together. Who can raise their hand in relief society and quote Dave Ramsey, Glen Beck, and the prophet. I feel like I am a pretty good mom. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful husband, who has a good job. I provide plenty of food, clothing, books, and love for my children. But when I go to church I feel like a failure.
I have another confession. I live from pay check to pay check and sometimes I go over. I am not self sufficient and unless you can live off ketchup barbeque sauce, and toothpaste, we do not have a years supply of food.
My kids pick out their own clothes, comb their own hair and brush their own teeth. I'm okay with that. It's hard to go to church and get looks as my daughter sits down in her homemade skirt with a shirt that doesn't match, sprouting her very own hair do. Or to have my son counseled on how he should comb his hair and wear his pants. I will help them and together we will figure it out.
I provide lessons for my kids. I require them to practice. However I have another confession, sometimes days we don't practice, because sometimes I don't have the energy to fight them.
Most days for breakfast we have cereal. The sugary kind with preservatives. Every once in a while we have smoothies but most days we have cereal and if Rick's gone we just might have cereal for dinner too.
I have another confession we eat off paper plates every night, how's that for self sufficient. And those frozen peanut butter sandwiches that most frugal people would never spend money on. I buy them, all the time, and sometimes that is what I have for breakfast.
A few years ago I made the decision to go back to school. It's hard and sometimes I want to quit. I have to work longer and harder on assignments then most students. I have taken the GRE once and failed. I have to take it again. I love what I am learning. But once again I am going against the grain and I fall short.
I am not perfect, but I am improving a little everyday. I still fall short in every aspect. I don't need everyone else's approval, I just need the Lords. I need his help. I just need the Lord. I feel the Lord's hand during the week as my family I trudge forward. I don't feel it at church. I feel judged and insufficient. But I go. I go because I know the church is true. I know that there is a God who love's me and has a plan for me and hopefully someday I will be able to see that plan. I know that my efforts are moving me and my family in that direction.
7 years ago
5 comments:
Thanks for your honesty Sharon! I have felt those things too. It is so hard to want to do it all, yet we know it's just not possible. I admire you so much for going back to school, that must be so hard to juggle. We have cereal everyday also, often look raggedy at church, and my home is far from the perfectly clean place I would like it to be. I wish we could all be more real with each other, that is when we truly come to understand another's heart. Thank you for sharing your heart. I've always known you had a big one! Miss you!
This is part of why I love being the Primary pianist. No one quotes non-prophets in there!
You're not the only one. Not by a long shot. I bet some of the "put-together" people feel just as insecure. Keep doing your best!
My goodness! I saw your comment on my blog and decided to check in on yours. It's good to hear from you. This is just what I needed to read. So, thank you!
I have always admired and looked up to you. I do even more after reading this post. Church is hard for many people; take it from a divorcee single mom. It isn't always easy to sit and hear how life "should" be. I feel Heavenly Father knows what's in your heart (and mine) and I just try to ignore the people who make me feel less than perfect.
From one cold cereal-feeding mom to another: you are doing awesome. Going back to school is something I would love to do but never had the guts. You are incredible! And don't you forget it.
I Love Imperfect People As Far As I Am Concerned They Are The Best.
Just so you know...whilst you were all living in Harrogate, England, I genuinely looked up to you as you are the 'mom who has it all together'! You had twins whilst here but still did fantastic birthday parties for your kids. I will always remember feeling inadequate when Sarah was wearing the most beautiful dress up cinderella dress you had stayed up all night making, and her doll had one also! All women feel inadequate at times! I think you are wonderful and have always been an example to me of a fantastic mother, everything else doesn't matter! Miss you and your family. Alex
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